Travel Bite: Fashionista Farmer

L.L. Bean

I just returned from the Santa Fe Farmers’ Market where I got a preview of the new summer fashions. The last time I was there, Kenneth Cole Slaw made a colorful splash with his eye-catching ensemble. And though the chile season hasn't arrived yet, this year’s designers proved to be just as haute. Here’s a quick runway rundown with the Prada of produce. While some of the supermodels may be beanpoles, none show signs of starvation. Eat that, Kate Moss!

J. Crudité

Clové

Juicy Couture

Kalamata Klein

Chévre Saint Laurent

Karl Lavender Field

Coq au vin Chanel

Todd Old Ham

Related Links:

Travel Bite: Santa Fe Farmers’ Market

Single Bite: Fashionista Farmer

Chillin’ with the Chiles in Santa Fe: Part 1

A Chocolate-Dipped Apricot and Pistachio Parable

This is the story of the Princess and the Sweet Tooth.

Once upon a time [yesterday at 4:52 pm], a lovely princess [an unshowered, couch-lazing chocoholic] desired a royal sweet [Wills was with Kate, and the younger red-headed brother is too wild—even for a cougar princess]. But when the princess rang her bell, no one came calling with a tray of Godiva Chocolates [or something organic and fair trade-ish]. So she got off her throne [it folds out into a bed] and searched for something rich and dark [but George Clooney wasn’t in the pantry].

Upon discovering some royal subjects [dried apricots, chocolate chips and pistachios], the princess quickly fashioned them into royal jewels and barely lifted a finger [except to take some mediocre photos, photoshop them, write a scintillating parable, rewrite it because the first draft did not scintillate, format it into an archaic blogging platform, and hit “Publish”]. These were even easier to make than her chocolate-covered mint leaves that required a more delicate chocolateering method.

The princess was so pleased with her creation that she pilfered all the jewels [ate 24 apricots, but who’s counting?]. It was so simple, if the royal subjects had been sitting on her 16th-century, gem-encrusted credenza [IKEA coffee table], she could have fashioned these royal jewels from a semi-reclining position without ever having left her throne.

The moral of the story? If a princess is as clever as she is lazy, she will be compensated with the consummate confection.

Chocolate-Dipped Apricots with Pistachios

24 dried apricots (these were small-ish and Turkish)

1/3 cup chocolate chips (semi-sweet or bittersweet, fair trade-preferred)

1/3 cup shelled pistachios, crushed

Melt the chips in a double boiler or in a small bowl in the microwave on medium power in 30-second intervals until melted.

Dip half of an apricot into the chocolate, and sprinkle the nuts on both sides while you’re still holding it. Then lay the nut-encrusted apricot on a sheet of wax or parchment paper to set. Will last a few days unrefrigerated in a covered container.

Related Links:

Chocolate-Covered Mint Leaves (My Thin Mints)

A Simple Sautéed Squash-Blossom Parable

My Frugal Royal Wedding Canapés

A Meatless Meat Loaf Mother's Day Memoir

"What kind of TV dinner do you want—meat loaf, fried chicken, Salisbury steak or Mexican?”

That was a question I was asked from the day I could eat solid food. We had a separate, full-size freezer in a back room stocked with Swanson and Banquet frozen dinners. We were well-versed in every variety, but one of our favorites was Swanson's meat loaf.

My mother had many talents, but cooking was not among them. She was gifted at overcooking, however. In the morning, I’d hear my dad scraping the char off his toast like he was playing the washboard. With all that practice, he could’ve joined a bluegrass band.

The red meat and sugar queen, mom cooked with packets of Lipton’s onion soup mix, cans of Veg-All and boxes of Schilling’s Taco Casserole. One of her better dishes was a pork chop and potato casserole in white sauce. The white sauce was from a can. The potatoes were from another can. I don’t remember if the pork chops were from a can. You’d have to ask my shrink. I may have blocked that out.

The secret sauce

Mom liked to tell the story of the time when I was about 10 and refused to eat the burnt hamburger patty, served bunless, she had made. I said, “This tastes like goat droppings!” So she put some chocolate sauce on it to get me to eat it. When I took a bite and refused it again, she ate it. I craved normal.

I’m falling apart, but some of mom’s other creations are still holding up.

Her forte was at the sewing machine. She made my sister and I adorable, one-of-a-kind outfits with matching accessories and my brother an elaborate George Washington costume for school, replete with a white powder wig. She’d stay up all hours of the night to sew a hem for one of us or to put the crowning touches on one of her creations. No one else's mom had such originality, and sometimes I just wanted to blend in by wearing something store-bought and vanilla. But my mother had grander visions.

A few mementos from her button-hoarding collection

The maestro with a needle and thread, she orchestrated each stitch into a glorious string arrangement. Seams and colors were meticulously matched. Buttons were chosen for a breakout solo performance or softer, quiet accompaniment. Zippers, threads and rickrack played along in pitch-perfect, three-part harmony. Every detail was a weighty aesthetic decision to be agonized and labored over. Back then it was called artistry and craftsmanship. Today there are meds for that. Yep, the OCD doesn¹t fall far from the tree.

My meatless meat loaf. Trust me. You don't want the recipe.

But she made a meat loaf that I actually liked. Her Chinese meat loaf had ground beef and a sweet and sour sauce made from a can of tomato sauce, French's mustard, white vinegar and brown sugar. As an adult, I tweaked the recipe and made it with ground turkey, and it was a real crowd-pleaser. But since I rarely eat meat anymore, I got to thinking, why not try a vegetarian version with that same sauce? So I made one up with lentils and brown rice. It tasted vaguely familiar because of the sauce, and it looked like a meat loaf, but the first time wasn't exactly a charm.

My meatless meat loaf TV dinner. You don't want that either.

While this “meat” loaf was made in her honor, ironically, without the meat, I doubt she would have eaten it. Not without chocolate sauce anyway. And after a few bites, I’m thinking that's not such a bad idea. This will be my third Mother’s Day without my mother, and I no longer crave normal. Now I'm craving chocolate.

The Swanson Meat Loaf Dinner image was from Miami NewTimes blogs.

Related Links:

Cream Cheese Brownies (for Mother’s Day)

The Last Butterscotch: In Memory of My Mother

“Shhhh. I’ll take it for later.”

I Only Bought it for the Hunger-Strike App

I finally bought an iPhone. I know. I’m the last one on the planet. Even the toddler next door has one. And he just got his first tooth. I really only wanted it for directions and a few apps like the Monterey Bay Aquarium’s Seafood Watch and ones that tell me what products have GMOs, pesticides, corporate greed and other neuroses-forward information. And when I heard about the iCouch app, I figured if I could fire my shrink, the iPhone would pay for itself.

The final straw was when I realized in order to be an effective food activist, you need the proper tools. I mean, where would Gandhi have been without his white sheet and sandals? That bright, pre-Monsanto Indian cotton was a beacon of light to the rest of the world. But today Gandhi would probably be sitting at a Starbucks in his hoodie, starting a petition on Change.org and using a weight-loss app for his hunger strike. One that monitors his calorie deprivation and dehydration levels, and then automatically downloads them to Twitter. Old-school Gandhi is hard to fathom. I don’t know how people starved themselves back then. Why did I wait? I’ve broken it down to the following 12 reasons:

1. I didn’t want to be a slave.

Isn’t checking email, Facebook and Twitter enough on a laptop? Do I need another gadget and more pings to induce new Pavlovian responses? Won’t I get all those pings mixed up and fetch my Frisbee when I’m supposed to be playing dead? How many masters must I answer to?

2. I didn’t want to be a slave driver.

The idea that I would be contributing to slave labor in a Chinese factory really put a worm in my apple. But since Apple hired the Fair Labor Association to audit the working conditions there, I don’t feel as bad. Now all my guilt is being directed at Siri. The way I order her around and tell her what to do? I picture her in a Chinese factory making 3¢ an hour while she Googles the nearest bagel for me. I can see her whole family in a cave, sharing a Top Ramen noodle.

3. Who needs brain cancer anyway?

Isn’t there a price to pay for all those electromagnetic rays swirling around your head like a swarm of warm bees? The ones that are left, anyway (see Colony Collapse Disorder). But there I go, projecting the future. Why can’t I just live in the high-frequency now like normal people?  

4. I didn’t want to be a party to the Tea Party.

Credo Mobile has sent me thousands of emails and direct mail solicitations telling me that AT&T and Verizon are the devil, contributing to extremist right-wing causes. And I believe them. Yet after all of Credo's offers for free phones (everything but an iPhone), I’m still an Apple girl. So If I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna do it on my terms. Or so I thought. Turns out it’s on AT&T or Verizon’s.

5. Must we know everything about each other?

Do you really need to know that I’m at Target buying toilet paper? I don’t care that I get some kind of points for announcing it on Facebook from my phone. Single or double ply is my business. And gentle reminder: not so interested when you’re buying yours either. Especially that brand that cuts down virgin rainforests.

6. I couldn’t commit to a two-year relationship.

I can’t commit to a dental appointment a month in advance. Yet for the next two years I’m supposed to pay for this thing that could fall in the toilet? What if I decide to go live off the grid in Siri’s hovel? Hopefully she’ll still get paid her 3¢ an hour for the next two years. That is if she didn’t drown.

7. I didn’t want to be a professional eight-year old.

You know how annoying it is when people are playing with their smartphones in meetings, including the managers? What happened to the days when you got in trouble for chewing gum in class? Of course, now that I have one, I find myself playing with it to subtly broadcast: Here’s what I think about your freaking time-suck of a meeting. Maybe I’ll finally get that promotion.   

8. I fear the new Darwinian order.

I see the future of man, and it’s not pretty. We’re hunched over, looking down with giant thumbs. Not only do we revert back to apes, we’re pretty much extinct from having crossed one too many streets, looking down.

9. Why should a phone be smarter than me?

Doesn’t it make you lazy and codependent for your phone to have all the answers? Actually, in the smarts department, Siri is not much of a threat. She rarely knows anything I ask her. Am thinking it’s malnourishment from sharing that noodle.

10. I can’t face FaceTime.

What if someone with an iPhone wants to videochat with me before I’ve combed my hair or brushed my teeth? Shouldn't that be illegal? I hear plastic surgeons are making a killing from FaceTime. I’m sure the new iJob or iLift isn’t far behind. And now that I’ve accidentally seen all my chins in that two-way camera, I’m thinking of suing Apple for pain and suffering.

11.  I didn’t want to make a decision.

Verizon, AT&T or Sprint? Voice, data plans, texts, sexts. It’s too much. How do you know how much sexting you’ll do? And is the sexting free between other sexters on the same plan, and can you see the sexters if they have an iPhone too? And let’s not even mention that two-way camera.

12. I didn’t want to know how many calories I was eating. 
I was perfectly happy living in denial until that night I ate a whole 3.5 oz. organic fair-trade dark chocolate bar and the next morning my pants wouldn’t button. That's when I said, "Get me that hunger-strike app ASAP." 

Is the Gefilte a Sustainable Fish?

Net-trawled gefilte from the waters of Boca Raton, Florida

I've often wondered about the sustainability of that favorite Passover fish, the gefilte. So I decided to do a little research by consulting the Monterey Bay Aquarium's Seafood Watch. Their pocket guides, web site and mobile apps help people make choices that promote healthy oceans by recommending which seafood items are “Best Choices,” “Good Alternatives” and ones to avoid. Listed in alphabetical order between the Flounder and Halibut, the Gefilte disappointingly merits a "Feh" (equivalent to a "Meh" if you're a Gentile).

Store-caught gefilte from the Albertson's in Boca Raton, Florida

Why the “Feh or Meh” rating? Whether net-trawled or store-caught, each method of gefilte fishing has sustainability problems. With the trawling method, the gefilte nets are dragged along the sea floor, uprooting the gefilte’s habitat, leading to the expulsion of the gefiltes from their homeland. The nets also collect everything in their path, including unwanted species like shellfish, which are not kosher and contaminate the gefilte. And while many gefiltes have been relocated to a contained area in either jelled or clear waters in Florida, store-caught gefilte season peaks in April, leaving store shelves empty the rest of the year.

To combat these issues, scientists at Monsanto are working on a genetically modified gefilte that has been engineered to reproduce year-round while repelling shellfish. By inserting flounder genes into the gefilte's DNA, it is said the new Geflounder^® will be approved in time for next year's Passover festivities with no further testing. Gefilte fishery executives are hoping this will at least upgrade the gefilte from a “Feh or Meh” to a “Bleh.”

Travel Bite: Food Vendor Cell Conversations

Nuts 4 Nuts vendor, Midtown Manhattan

"Yo, Vinny. Wanna go to da Nutcracker wid me tonight at Lincoln Center?"

Big Apple Pretzels vendor, Midtown Manhattan

"Of course I can talk and salt at the same time. Unless it's Pink Himalayan."

Vinny's Nut House vendor, Little Italy, Manhattan

"Sure, I'll go to da Nutcracker. Should I bring da cotton candy or da Torrone Nougat for da Sugar Plum Fairy?"

Chestnut vendor, Hagia Sophia church, Istanbul

"Hmmm. I thought I downloaded that roasted chestnut app."

Mexican chotchke vendor, Olvera Square, Los Angeles (So it's not food. Sue me.)

"Slow day. Where's the cha-ching from all this bling? I'd make more selling Chiclets in Tijuana."

My Girl Scout Cookie Cartel Makeover

Buh bye, Savannah Smiles. Hola, Lemon Escobars

You're probably thinking, “Must you skewer those poor Scouts again? Weren’t last year’s Notes from a Girl Scout Cookie Curmudgeon and My Healthy Girl Scout Cookie Makeover enough?” Well have you tried their latest offering, Savannah Smiles? It’s described as a “cool and crisp lemon wedge cookie that looks like a smile.” I sampled one (for research), and this lethal powdered sugar and lemon speedball was so addictive, I would’ve sold my mother for another. Of course Savannah’s smiling. Nothing cries 'crackhead' like someone hopped up on GMO sugar, soybean oil and corn syrup, rainforest-depleting palm oil, artificial flavor and lemon juice solids (isn’t 'juice solids' an oxymoron?). Wouldn't a more apt name be Lemon Escobars after cocaine kingpin, Pablo Escobar? The girls sell this stuff on the streets, they control the entire supply chain, and their customers wait in an addled frenzy for their orders to arrive.

Since this is the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts, and 2012 has been declared the “Year of the Girl,” what better time to roll out a new business plan? According to the Los Angeles Times, cookie sales in 2011 brought $760 million in profits—100% of it going to the councils and the girls. And new Scouts' CEO, Anna Maria Chavez, is launching an initiative to groom girls for leadership posts because a survey showed that 61% are either ambivalent about leadership or say it's not important to them. So I’ve created a crack business initiative built on the Girl Scout framework: Courage, Confidence, Character. With one addition.

Courage, Confidence, Character and Connections

Courage It’s not easy to admit their cookies are a drug, but why sugarcoat the truth? The girls could be selling a pure, plant-based, highly profitable product. Derived from the coca plant, cocaine is more natural than the genetically modified and pesticide-laced sugar beets that are used in the sugar, soybeans in the soybean oil and corn in the corn syrup; coca is not depleting the rainforest and orangutan population through the harvesting of unsustainable palm oil; and it contains no artificial flavor. Sure, it takes cahones to join a Colombian drug cartel, and the girls will have to ask for a raise in their allowance for the upstart costs, but I think they’ll be up to the task.

Confidence If a kilo of coke can be purchased for about $1800 in Colombia, how much profit will you make selling it in New York City for $23,000? No, that’s not a simple math problem. That’s the bright future of our Scouts. Drugs bring in $300-400 billion a year, and it’s been said that illegal drug money may have saved the banking industry from collapse, as it was the only liquid investment capital available in 2008. What better way for a girl to gain self-esteem than to keep the global economy afloat? As they learn valuable lessons in economics, horticulture, chemistry, geography, ocean sciences and law, these young entrepreneurs will also become fluent in Spanish and another language: money. Nothing breeds confidence like cold, hard, Colombian-infused cash.

Character With the Scouts’ newfound wealth, they can start a philanthropic cookie company that sells organic, sustainable and free-trade confections. The profits could be used to rebuild the palm plantations in Indonesia and Malaysia that have been deforested from the manufacturing of palm oil for the current cookies. They can also start an orangutan preserve to safeguard the simians from further displacement. For an inspiring example of ‘character’, read about real Girl Scouts, Madison and Rhiannon, who created Project ORANGS (Orangutans Really Appreciate and Need Girl Scouts) to stop the Scouts from using palm oil. They’ve spent the last five years bringing awareness to this problem and have produced real results. Sign their online petition on change.org: Girl Scouts: Make Your Cookies Rainforest-Safe.

Connections When CEO, Anna Maria Chavez, introduces the girls to brother, Hugo, they will not only become schooled in international politics, they’ll be poised for world domination. You want leadership? Move over Hillary. There are some new girls in town.

Who’s smiling now?

The Lemon Escobar Recipe for Success

1 $50 dollar bill (or higher)

1 gram cocaine

1 lemon wedge

Roll up bill. Snort coke, rub on teeth, suck lemon wedge and enjoy!

This may not taste as good as my Chocolate Covered Mint Leaves (My Thin Mints), but it'll keep you even thinner.

1 serving = 1 gram

0 calories

0% Palm Oil

95% Profit

Related Links:

Notes from a Girl Scout Cookie Curmudgeon

My Healthy Girl Scout Cookie Makeover

Chocolate Covered Mint Leaves (My Thin Mints)

Ode to a Blood

That gangsta really cut you good

When you were hangin’ in the ‘hood

It’s time the homies call the cops

Before the Crips kill all the crops