M Café’s Scarlet Quinoa Salad

Johansson. O'Hara. Fever. This is way better than those Scarlets.

My scarlet quinoa may not be a blonde bombshell, a fictional southern belle or a hideous disease, but who needs those Hollywood types or a temperature when you could have this scarlet starlet? Thanks to beets, quinoa is transformed into one gorgeous grain that's ready for her close-up.

M Café is a macrobiotic spot in LA that used to be near my office, so I had a chance to eat this salad on more than a few occasions. Eyeing me from inside the deli case with her exotic color, she wooed my peepers and then my palate. Her intensely unique flavor was hard for me to figure out. I’d have scary, Sybil-like conversations in my head about the ingredients. "I taste dill and a touch of lemon," I'd say, rather civilized. "It's an umami flavor," I'd bark back, all Sybilized. Ashamed that my uberachieving Extra Sensory Palate couldn't solve the mystery, I knew I’d have to seek professional help. Where was Dr. Sigmund Food when I needed him? Then one day the recipe appeared in the LA Times food section, and the sneaky culprits were revealed. The umami flavor was from umeboshi plum vinegar and pickle juice. Repeat: plum vinegar and pickle juice! I'm pretty sure even America's Test Kitchen couldn't have solved that.

One thing all of me agreed on was how refreshing this scarlet quinoa salad is. Beets, cucumber, dill and lemon make her a natural for the limelight. Give her a starring role in your next brunch, and frankly my dear, she'll be gone with the wind.

M Café’s Scarlet Quinoa Salad Recipe (adapted from LA Times)

Total time: 45 minutes, plus cooling time for the quinoa

Servings: 6

Note: Umeboshi (plum) vinegar can be found at Whole Foods and Asian markets.

Umeboshi-lemon dressing

2 teaspoons umeboshi vinegar

1 teaspoon lemon juice

2 tablespoons dill pickle juice

1 tablespoon best-quality olive oil

In a medium bowl, whisk together the vinegar, lemon juice, pickle juice and olive oil. Cover and refrigerate until needed.

Scarlet quinoa and salad assembly

1 cup quinoa

1/2 cup finely diced red beets

2 cups vegetable broth or water

1 teaspoon olive oil

1 teaspoon lemon juice

1/4 cup diced Japanese or Persian cucumber

2 teaspoons chopped chives

1 tablespoon chopped dill

1 teaspoon fresh lemon zest

Umeboshi-lemon dressing

Salt (optional)

1. Wash the quinoa under cold running water in a fine strainer. Drain well.

2. In a 2-quart, heavy-bottomed saucepan, combine the beets, vegetable broth or water, olive oil and lemon juice. Cover and bring the mixture to a boil over medium heat. Stir in the quinoa, then cover and reduce the heat to low. Cook the quinoa until the grains are translucent and tender and the germ has spiraled out from the grain, about 15 minutes (be careful not to overcook). Remove from heat and drain any remaining liquid.

3. Fluff the quinoa with a fork, let cool slightly and refrigerate the grains, uncovered, until completely cool.

4. Fluff the cooled grains and place them in a large bowl. Gently stir in the cucumber, chives, dill and lemon zest. Stir in half of the dressing, then taste the salad and add additional dressing or salt as desired.

Each serving: 146 calories; 4 grams protein; 22 grams carbohydrates; 2 grams fiber; 5 grams fat; 1 gram saturated fat; 0 cholesterol; 220 mg. sodium.

Notes: My photos show two different batches. The darker color in the top two photos, which looks more like M Café's, is made with fresh beets I steamed first and vegetable broth for the quinoa. The lighter one is with pre-cooked vacuum-packed baby beets from Trader Joe's and water (I used the whole 8 oz. package). The Times' recipe doesn't specify whether to cook the beets first, but mine were precooked in both instances. Fresh and packaged work equally well. I prefer using water, as the broth made it extremely rich. Chives are optional (I didn't have any). I used all the dressing and no salt.

Related Links:

Starving Artist Series: Beet Hummus

Orange-Infused Beets with Walnuts

My Therapy Session with Dr. Sigmund Food (#1: The Salad Bar)

My Wine is Cuter than Your Wine

I may not know a Chateau Lafite from a Chateau Marmont, but according to my wine rack, I am a connoisseur of cute. When I got home from Trader Joe’s with a bottle of Rabbit Ridge, I noticed all my wines had animals on the labels. Am I that big a sucker for soft and furry that I’d choose a wine for its terrier over its terroir? Hey, I own a wine rack. Shouldn’t that make me enough of a sophisticate to be impervious to subliminal marketing messages? Clearly my subconscious, with its uncouth taste in libations, can’t distinguish couth in advertising.

Once I got wind of my pattern, I decided to take a little trip to the zoo, or the wine section of Trader Joe’s, that is. There were kitty cat cabernets, gazelle grenaches, Shetland pony petite syrahs, muskrat muscats, and the wine glass menagerie went on and on. I was getting thirsty just looking at this adorable brood. Was it cockatoo hour yet?

So after doing a little research, I discovered there’s a category in the wine industry called “critter labels.” Apparently, after the introduction of Australia’s successful Yellow Tail brand with its colorful kangaroo for about $8 a bottle, wine marketers figured out that animals on labels sell. Now the market is oversaturated with these fun, friendly labels designed to make wine accessible to more people. Just who are these people that wine marketers are targeting, and what animals are they using to lure them in? Well, I put my drinking cap on and came up with this Lentil "critter label" breakdown:

Hello Kitty Enthusiasts A baby animal on the label gives these innocent worshippers of cutesy an excuse to down a few puppies all in the name of awwww. As their baby talk seamlessly segues into slurring, no one will even notice that they’re sloppy drunk. Label: kitten, baby bunny or any freaking adorable young animal

Cat Ladies The perfect accompaniment to a Saturday night dinner at home, they think of the cat on the label as a new male suitor. Label: domestic cat

Boone’s Farm Drinkers These low-budget drinking folk are used to the Farm, but if a John Deere salesman makes a big sale and wants to celebrate in $8 style, an animal on the label lets him venture out while staying in his creature comfort zone. Label: any farm animal

Jocks A fast animal on the label gives them a sense of speed and a winner mentality. It also makes them drink faster which means they’ll buy more wine. Label: cheetah, puma, ocelot, leopard, gazelle

NRA Members Some wild prey on the label creates an instant feeling of superiority over the animal kingdom without actually having to kill anything but the whole bottle. Label: deer, antelope, caribou, elk

Carnivores A picture of the animal they’ll be having for dinner tells them that this wine will pair nicely with their meal. Label: cow, pig, chicken, sheep, lamb, calf, goat, rabbit, buffalo, game fowl, fish (cat and pony, not so much)

Vegetarians The wine is a welcome reminder of their moral superiority for letting an inanimate printed animal live cage-free on a label. Label: See carnivore

PETA Members The label empowers them to fervently proclaim this wine to be cruelty-free as they get sloshed and plan their next let’s-spray-paint-a-fur fashion show event. Label: chinchilla, mink, fox, rabbit, seal, bear

Sierra Club Members Inebriation masquerading as solitude washes over them as they commune with their new wild life. Label: any animal

Bird Watchers They get an instant thrill from spotting a rare bird on the label without even donning their binoculars. Label: any endangered bird

Lotharios and Tramps An aggressive animal on the label gets these sexual predators all revved up and ready to conquer. That, and the alcohol, of course. Label: dog, tiger, wolf, fox, viper, vixen

Party Animals The label gives them carte blanche to be wild and crazy. Meanwhile, the drunker and hornier they get, the less women want to be around them. Label: badger, horny toad, dog

40-year-old Virgins Any animal gives these repressed nervous Nellies the confidence to act on their impulses without overthinking it. Until they start thinking about having to find both a designated driver and a willing recipient of their newfound sexual abandon. Then it’s a just a buzz kill, but they’re ok with that. Label: chicken

If you Like this article, follow me on Critter.

Related Links:

What Lettuce Type are You?

An Overthinker’s Guide to Saving the Planet

What’s Your Diet I.D.?

Starving Artist Series: Edamame Hummus

Welcome back to the Museum of Modern Appetizers (MOMA).

You have entered the Edamame Hummus exhibition. I hope you enjoyed the Beet Hummus show. Students and seniors are still free, but if you didn’t buy the $100 annual membership for unlimited visits to Lentil Breakdown, there is another $12 suggested donation. Just leave your credit card number in the comments below. If you contributed before, I still have your 16 digits, ‘k?

Please don’t touch the art or the alarm will sound. Let us begin.

This colorful Edamame Hummus on a Cheater’s Lavash Cracker canvas is an interpretive work from the Japanese school of Soybean Arts. The immature soybean replaces the garbanzo bean from the popular Legume school (technically the soybean is a legume, but they represent two different hummus movements). A cool, green palette is punctuated by forest-green flecks of cilantro for an eye-popping presentation and full-bodied bite. Like the vibrant Beet Hummus, lemon zest brightens the work, and olive oil creates a lustrous finish—if like most artists, you choose to use oil as your medium. The edamame on its own is rather muted, so plenty of chopped cilantro, coriander, cumin and lemon zest are essential to balance the composition.

This Edamame Hummus in green can be curated with the complementary Beet Hummus in fuchsia for a glorious group show. In fact, it's likely the artist will be so fêted, a film will be made in her honor. That’s what happened to an artist who worked with fish. You may have seen the movie—Pollock.

Starving Artist Statement

“Ahem. Did you read my starving artist statement from the Beet Hummus exhibition? If so, then why do I still have this day job? Pony up, rich benefactors! How do you expect me to create masterpieces like this when I’m cooped up in a corporate cube all day? Sure, groveling is unattractive, but the future of culinary art is in your hands, wealthy patrons. Ok. Gotta go eat some of this art history-making hummus. Am still starving.”

—L.B.

Edamame Hummus Recipe

½ pound frozen shelled edamame (1 ½ cups)

¼ cup sesame tahini

¼ cup water

½ tsp lemon zest, grated

¾ of a lemon, juiced (about 3 tbsp)

1 garlic clove, chopped

¾ tsp salt

½ tsp cumin

½ tsp coriander

2 tsp olive oil

½ cup packed cilantro, chopped

Boil the beans in salted water for 4 to 5 minutes.

In a food processor, purée everything except the olive oil. Taste and adjust seasonings if needed. When mixture is smooth and with the motor running, drizzle in the oil until it’s absorbed.

Hummus will keep for about a week in the fridge.

Related Links:

Starving Artist Series: Beet Hummus

Cheater’s Lavash Crackers

Black-eyed Pea Hummus

Orange-infused Beets with Walnuts

Tri-colored Potato Salad Provencal

Sautéed Rainbow Chard

Starving Artist Series: Beet Hummus

Welcome to the Museum of Modern Appetizers (MOMA).

You have entered the Beet Hummus exhibition. Admission is free for students and seniors. For everyone else, there's a suggested donation of $12. Or a $100 annual membership to Lentil Breakdown will entitle you to visit as often as you like. Just leave your 16-digit credit card number in the comments below.

Please don't touch the art or the alarm will sound. Let us begin.

This vibrant Beet Hummus on a Cheater's Lavash Cracker canvas is a post-modern interpretation of the classic garbanzo bean hummus from the popular Legume school. The early, earthy work has been updated with a brilliant fuchsia palette and complex sweetness from blending fresh beets with the original bean medium. Lemon zest creates a bright, contrasting flavor for the ideal balance. Olive oil smooths out the thick impasto texture, creating a lustrous work with refined, velvety passages. For a dryer, matte finish, this last step may be omitted, however most artists choose to work in oil.

This Beet Hummus in fuchsia can be curated with the complementary Edamame Hummus in green (sneak preview above) for a glorious group show. Please come back soon, as the Edamame Hummus exhibit will be opening shortly.

Starving Artist Statement

"Sure, after creating this masterpiece, I got a show here at MOMA. But day jobs are for losers. So I am now accepting 'grants' from rich benefactors so I can stay home and cook up more tour de forces like this. The future of culinary art is in your hands, wealthy patrons. Ok. Gotta go eat some of this brilliant hummus. Am starving."

—L.B.

P.S. No pressure or anything.

Beet Hummus Recipe

2 medium beets

1 15 oz. can garbanzo beans

2 garlic cloves, minced

1/3 cup sesame tahini

¾ of a lemon, juiced

½ tsp (packed and heaping) lemon zest, grated

1 ¼ tsp cumin

½ tsp salt (may need a little more)

1 - 2 tsp olive oil

Steam or roast beets until tender. Peel and cool. Cut into several pieces. Zest the lemon.

Place garbanzo beans, beets, garlic, tahini, spices, salt, lemon juice and zest in food processor or blender and purée until blended. Adjust spices if necessary. Add 1 teaspoon of olive oil while the processor is running. Check consistency and taste. Add more oil if needed (the olive oil is to make the texture smooth. You can add more or less to your liking. If you want to save calories and have a dryer hummus, you can omit it completely and thin it out with a little water instead.)

Note: For these Cheater’s Lavash Crackers, I pre-sliced the lavash bread into squares before baking them and used two kinds of sesame seeds (black and white) for a more dramatic presentation. See link for recipe.

Hummus will keep for about a week in the fridge.

Related Links:

Starving Artist Series: Edamame Hummus

Cheater’s Lavash Crackers

Black-eyed Pea Hummus

Orange-infused Beets with Walnuts

Tri-colored Potato Salad Provencal

Sautéed Rainbow Chard

Ode to a Lover

My sweet, oh how you make me moan

When we are in my bed alone

My lust for you could not be clearer

Damn that kinky ceiling mirror

(Flourless Chocolate Cake shot at True Food Kitchen in Santa Monica.)

Travel Bite: Portobello Road, London

I went to Portobello Road, and all I got was this lousy blog post.

Sure, the Queen Anne chairs were quaint and the Victorian jewels were majestic, but I had bigger things on my mind than antiques. Like, where were the Portobello mushrooms?

Located in the Notting Hill district in west London, this narrow, two-mile road is a world-renowned antique mecca. Saturday’s Portobello Road Market is the big day when the hordes are out en masse, but the shops, galleries, cafes and produce market are open all week.

This popular road used to be a winding country path known as Green's Lane until 1740 when Portobello Farm was built in the area. Wouldn't you think a farm named Portobello would be fungi-friendly? Nope. It was actually named for the 1739 British victory in the battle of Porto Bello in Panama.

The market began selling food in the 19th century, and today the north end of the road has stalls selling fresh produce throughout the week. Here was my chance to conquer some Portobellos. But as a Panamanian might say, I got nada.

From the Duke of Wellington to the Edwardian butcher, this seemed like the real London. The main dance number from the 1971 Disney movie, Bedknobs and Broomsticks starring Angela Lansbury even took place here (filmed at a Burbank studio, of course). If that's not authentic, what is?

Yes, Notting Hill was filmed on this street, but don’t ask the locals about Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant. Do people visit your 'hood and grill you about Aunt Bea and Opie? I wouldn't have minded some grilled Portobellos though.

Nice 'hood ornaments. How do you say chotchke in cockney?

Victorian terrace houses and independent shops reign, and the Friends of Portobello campaign is trying to preserve the street's history as the big chain stores threaten to move in.

Too late. This chain store called Poundland is like our 99¢ Only Store and where I suggested the Queen buy her canapé ingredients in My Frugal Royal Wedding Canapés.

The ultimate to-go window, this storefront had a unique pizza display. Were those 'shrooms Portobellos, or was that wishful thinking?

Conclusion: It's a great place to forage for anything but mushrooms.

Portobello road, Portobello road


Street where the riches of ages are stowed

Anything and everything a chap can unload

Is sold off the barrow in Portobello road

You’ll find what you want in the Portobello road (except Portobellos)

— Portobello Road by Robert & Richard Sherman

See a charming video of the song from Bedknobs and Broomsticks:

Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uqw7jn1oxE

Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TOYaEcgQS4&NR=1

Related Links:

My Frugal Royal Wedding Canapés

Travel Bite: Borough Market, London

Travel Bite: An English Breakfast Theory

Single Bite: Tea Time in London

Single Bite: Mendocino Mushrooms