Friday, November 4, 2016

Black Bean Collard-People Tacos

Before you accuse me of being a culinary racist, let me remind you that this hateful plateful is from my eCookbook Trump at the Table. It's not me, it's him! 

No, it's not really this impressive, but what's one more lie when you're living in Trumpistan?

If you haven't had the good fortune of going to Trump University, striking it rich and donating a billion to my pay-what-you-want eBook, what are you waiting for? Visit the site, behold the brilliant copywriting, and download your way to culinary LOLz. Oh, and try these tacos. Hate never tasted so great. Believe me.

Black Bean Collard-People Tacos 

Donald loves collard people—and they love him. Just ask Ben Carson. Or better yet, ask these tacos! They’ll tell you that sautéed garlicky collard greens, earthy black beans, sweet butternut squash and vibrant guacamole inside a raw collard leaf makes one towering taco! Like Trump, it’s totally unpredictable and rich. You won’t even miss the tortilla. After all, when Donald builds his wall, who’s going to make them? But you won’t need illegal masa-making Mexicans to build this taco when you’ve got hard-working collards. Don’t believe Donald when he says “laziness is a trait in blacks.” Orange-complected squash and green guaca-money all nestled in tight with the blacks proves Donald is a man of the collard people.

1 butternut or acorn squash 
Olive oil

6 organic collard leaves

1 clove garlic, minced 
1 BPA-free can of black beans (or 2 cups fresh), drained 
1 large avocado

1 tablespoon onion, chopped

Handful of cilantro, chopped 
Cumin to taste 
Salt to taste 

Cut squash in half, remove seeds, rub with olive oil and roast face down on baking sheet in 400º oven. When cooked and cooled, scoop out the flesh. 

Cut two collard leaves in thin strips and sauté them in a little olive oil with minced garlic. Reserve the other 4 leaves for the “tortillas.” 

Heat the black beans. 

Whip up some beautiful guacamole with the avocado, onion, cilantro, cumin and salt. Make sure it’s tremendous. 

Take each raw leaf and fill with sautéed collards, beans, squash and guacamole. 

Monday, October 10, 2016

Egg-Free Garbanzo Flour Quiche

Every year, Andrew Wilder of Eating Rules holds the October Unprocessed Challenge, in which thousands of people commit to give up processed food for an entire month. As a guest blogger this year, I wrote a post featuring this Egg-Free Garbanzo Flour Quiche that was adapted from the Cage-Free Garbanzo Flour Quiche in my Trump at the Table eCookbook. Same recipe, two crazy-different backstories. One disses a chicken on the funny farm and the other discusses chickens on factory farms. Check them both out.

Get the Egg-Free Garbanzo Flour Quiche story.

Get the Cage-Free Garbanzo Flour Quiche story.

Related Links:
Christian Cauliflower Tabbouleh and an eBook

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Christian Cauliflower Tabbouleh and an eBook

After being bombarded with Donald J. Trump during every waking moment of every waking hour from every working media outlet, one day he turned up in one of my recipes. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t want him there. Yet when I was making a tabbouleh salad, there he was, telling me to deport the Middle Eastern wheat and replace it with sheet-white cauliflower. Muslim-free, white-supremacist salad? Rude, yes, but rather than risk being called a pig, dog, slob or loser, I succumbed to the bully's pulpit and put a little hate on my plate.

And so it began—my creation of healthy recipes based on Donald Trump quotes. There were so many tasteless remarks to choose from and so many ideas in my fertile little noggin, it was hard to narrow them down. But I had to stop myself before the election was over. 

Introducing my first eCookbook, which includes 16 plant-based, gluten-free recipes inspired by the words of Donald J. Trump. Please have a look at my website, download the book (pay what you want), and if you experience a few OMGs, WTFs and LOLz, tell your friends. Oh, and try this salad. Hate never tasted so great. Believe me.

Christian Cauliflower Tabbouleh Salad

This supremely white salad is the perfect dish for any Caucasian—especially the party of Donald J. Trump! The Middle Eastern wheat has been deported and replaced with sheet-white cauliflower for a grain-free alternative to Islamic extremist salads. The light, zesty flavors pop like a garden of gunfire, and the ingredients are raw except for some insurgent garbanzo beans who snuck into the salad bowl. With its herb-fresh fervor, this tabbouleh is a Christian cauliflower coalition in your mouth. Just make sure all the ingredients are local and not imported—especially those terrorist olives who are out to choke you with their pits.

When I make this, it’s the best—believe me. If it’s lacking anything, it’s probably your fault.

1/2 large head cauliflower, separated into small florets 
1 bunch flat-leaf parsley, chopped

1 cup mint, chopped

1 small cucumber, cut into 1/2-inch pieces 
4 - 5 green onions, chopped (white and green parts)

1 small garlic clove, minced

1/2 BPA-free can of garbanzo beans (or 3/4 cup fresh), drained 
1/4 cup sun-dried tomatoes, not in oil (or 3/4 cup fresh)

1/4 cup pitted, cured black olives, halved

5 tablespoons olive oil

3 tablespoons lemon juice

1/2 teaspoon salt, plus more to taste 

Put raw cauliflower florets in food processor and pulse until rice-like consistency. Place in bowl with other ingredients.

In a small bowl, mix olive oil and lemon juice. 

Add dressing to other ingredients; add salt to taste. Stir well and adjust seasonings. 

Cover and refrigerate for at least 2 hours before serving.

Makes about 6 servings. 

Related Links:

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Masa Balls For Passover

Why was this night different from any other night? Because homemade corn tortillas were on the menu during Passover. Not that I adhere to the dietary laws of Passover. As a non-practicing Jew, I usually pass right over them. My everyday diet is punishment enough. But this year, what’s permissible to eat during those eight days of menu mehs includes what's known as kitniyot—corn, legumes, rice and seeds—that were forbidden for centuries. 

Mazel tov! Jews are free from the shackles of an 800-year ban on innocuous foodstuffs! But who passes Passover amendments, anyway? Ruth Bader Ginsburg? They don’t call the badass Supreme Court Justice Notorious RBG for nada. If she bangs her gavel and proclaims it okay to eat tortillas while commemorating our liberation from slavery in Egypt, then who am I to argue? Bring on the masa (as long as it’s not GMO corn. I’m pretty sure Moses wouldn’t be down with that). But if it's not her, who are these grain and legume authorities nulling sacred Passover practices, and why change the laws now?

First of all, matzo is made of flour and water—but not just any flour. It must be ground from wheat, barley, spelt, rye or oat that has not been allowed to ferment and rise. During Passover, leavened foods, known as chametz, are forbidden, and while Ashkenazi Jews from Eastern European descent were prohibited from kitniyot, the same rule didn’t apply to Sephardic Jews from Spain and the Mediterranean. 

Rabbis can’t really agree on why kitniyot was forbidden in the first place, but one theory is that since these foods were stored in the same sacks as the chametz grains, people may have worried about cross contamination or that both types of grains may have grown in the same fields. In any case, it’s likely that worrying was involved. And kvetching, too, since Ashkenazi Jews have been complaining about this rule for generations. 

So last year, some influential rabbis with the Conservative movement argued that kitniyot should be allowed, so they lifted the ban. But inquiring minds want to know why. Was it Big Grain lobbyists? Citizens Kitniyot United? A Passover super PAC? Did the Koch brothers convert to Judaism?

Some rabbis suggest that some traditional concerns surrounding kitniyot are simply no longer problems. Now that we buy our grain in supermarkets in sealed packages that are carefully labeled, any fear that a bit of wheat flour might make it into cornmeal or rice flour is mitigated.  

Rabbi Elliot Dorff, chair of the movement’s law and standards committee, said “It was not a wise custom to begin with, and in our day, when you have Jews of Ashkenazi descent married to Jews of Sephardic descent, it gets really hard to figure out what to do in your house.” He said there was also another reason behind the decision: the rise of vegans and gluten allergies. “I think that’s why it came up now as opposed to a generation ago,” he said.

It just goes to show how market trends can become movements that impact more than the marketplace. Voting with your dollar can help change 800-year-old laws. I can't wait for next year's Passover. I'm thinking sustainable gefilte fish will be having its moment. 

Related Links:

Saturday, February 20, 2016

8 Tips for Traveling with Food Intolerances

Are you gluten-sensitive, lactose-intolerant, egg-abstinent, grain-averse, meat-opposed, GMO-outraged, or just one of those new-fangled orthorexics? You’re not alone. Since I discovered food intolerances were causing my fatigue, thyroid problems, acne, headaches and joint pain a few years ago, I've been sitting all high and mighty at the top of my food pyramid like a banished queen. But food sensitivities and unpopularity be damned. I have palaces to go and rice cakes to eat—even if I am flying solo.

If you're traveling with food intolerances and dietary restrictions, there are ways to relieve your angst besides shock therapy. All it takes is a little forethought. Will you be driving or flying? Will you have a kitchen? A car? Are you leaving the country? Will there be a Whole Foods salad bar on your Fijian island? With these eight tips for traveling with food intolerances, you'll be able to keep calm and carry on.

1. Carry food and pack provisions.
If you’re flying, pack a few items in your suitcase for breakfasts, snacks or stand-in meals for when you're in a pinch. And make sure to carry enough food with you to eat while you're waiting at the airport and for the duration of your flight. You don’t want to have to choose between turning into a starving, shaky shrew and eating something that’ll turn you into a convulsing Linda Blair. A cooked whole yam is a convenient hand-held, gluten-free, paleo-friendly, vegan snack. Sure, you’ll be the only one on board clutching a yam, but you won’t care when you're happily sated from that nutrient-dense, beta-carotene bad boy.

2.  Bring a cooler.
If you're taking a road trip, a cooler full of snacks and provisions will be your salvation. On my last trip, I packed gluten-free bread, a tub of hummus, ripe avocados and pre-washed fruits and veggies. I didn't even need a kitchen to make filling breakfasts on the road (make sure to get a room with a fridge and access to an ice machine). You can always re-stock at grocery stores along the way. I also packed a box with handy items like bananas, rice cakes, energy bars, packets of nut butters, honey, tins of sardines and canned rice-stuffed grape leaves.

3. Research restaurants online.
You know all the time you spend reading Yelp reviews and perusing restaurant menus online? Well, channel that time suck into your destination meal planning and you'll be prepared. If you use good key words, you might find just what you're looking for. When I was passing through Sedona at mealtime, I googled “organic food Sedona” and found an organic, vegan, gluten-free, non-GMO restaurant that royally catered to all my queenly proclivities. You can also look for health food stores, co-ops and local farmers’ markets to pick up fresh produce and regional specialties.

4. Plan your cheat days.
It's maddening to be wandering through a foodie wonderland with your lame rice cakes, unable to partake in the local delicacies. But only you can decide if eating something you’re sensitive to is worth the risk. It's your body, and you should know if you're going to grow a third eye. But if you're going to succumb to temptation, try to do it on a low-impact day. For instance, if you expect gluten to turn your stomach upside down, don’t eat it before you go bungee jumping, skydiving or zip-lining. Better yet, save it for dinnertime and sleep it off.

5. Carry remedies with you.
Sometimes an offending food will announce itself to you even when the menu didn't. We're simply not privy to every ingredient when we're out and about, so bring your meds and holistic remedies, and have them especially close by on a cheat day. Whether it’s migraine meds, an inhaler, Immodium, skin ointments  or gluten defense digestive enzymes, be ready to quash the offenders like you're pulling the mike plug at a Donald Trump rally.

6. Learn to negotiate the menu. 
When you've got multiple food sensitivities, it can be hard to find anything on the menu—especially if you're trying to go with the flow of your fellow travelers. If you don’t see an entrée that caters to your diet, ask if you can make substitutions (free of charge) or order a few a la carte items. When I was at a teahouse in Denver, I was treated like a queen with a special vegan, gluten-free high tea that I ordered in advance. It cost the same as the regular high tea, and my tolerant companions weren't so tolerant when they saw that my offerings were more regal than theirs. 

7. Learn to communicate in a foreign language.
If you don’t want to turn into Linda Blair on an international flight, call the airline in advance and order a special meal. From vegan and vegetarian to gluten-free and kosher, they offer several choices to keep your head from spinning. Once you arrive at your destination, how will you announce how special you are? You can buy laminated translation cards that come in 60 languages with very specific messaging for food and drug allergies and dietary restrictions. Need to say you can’t eat gluten in Swahili, peanuts in Portuguese, eggs in Estonian or shellfish in Fijian? No problema!

8. If you loved a restaurant, go back.
Think you should be adventurous and try a new restaurant for every meal? If you got weak in the knees from a certain Mediterranean hottie one night and you’ll be in town for a while, why not hook up again? Maybe it’ll be even hotter the second time. Not to mention the hottie will probably have some pretty savory friends. But don’t get too attached. Remember, you're leaving town, you heartbreaker.

Related Link:
My Therapy Session with Dr. Sigmund Food (Food Intolerances)