Friday, June 11, 2010

Six Freezing Degrees of Al & Tipper's Separation


The moment I read that Al and Tipper Gore decided to split was when my world went topsy turvy. It was like finding out that Mother Teresa was really an anti-semite and Hitler was a mentsch. The poster couple for soulmated matrimony, Al and Tipper seemed mature enough to weather any storm—even global warming. I mean, If they can’t make it work, who can? And as I sought solace in my friends Ben and Jerry, I decided to ponder the possible reasons for the split through six flavors of B&J ice cream. (Click on the titles to see pics of the ice cream.)

1. Chubby Hubby® Fudge Covered Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels in Vanilla Malt Ice Cream Rippled with Fudge & Peanut Butter

With his expanding role as eco titan and the ambassador for climate change, did Al simply get too big for his britches? Did winning the Nobel Peace Prize, Academy Award, Grammy and Emmy feed his ego a tad too much? Even if Tipper thought he was becoming a little too full of himself, I’m sure this kind of bloated bluster was nothing new to her, being a politician’s wife. She loyally stood by her fat man through his post-election paunch. But as time went on, perhaps his colossal new calling started encroaching on their coupledom. When he outgrew his pants size, did he outgrow her too?

2. Fossil Fuel™ Sweet Cream Ice Cream with Chocolate Cookie Pieces, Fudge Dinosaurs and a Fudge Swirl

Did Al’s gospel-like fervor about our overreliance on fossil fuels make him think that we were also too reliant on other things, like, say spouses? Did his espousing energy independence result in a new go-it-alone mentality? Perhaps his notion of self-reliance went too far when he thought he could replace Tipper with a solar panel and low-energy bulbs. A dim-watted idea, if you ask me.

3. Maple Blondie Maple Ice Cream with Blonde Brownie Chunks & a Maple Caramel Swirl

While a lot of people are speculating that an affair is the culprit, I can categorically confirm that another woman was involved. This split has hanging chads written all over it and is the certifiable work of Katherine Harris—the conniving Florida Secretary of State who handed Shrub the election (before the Supreme Court slam-dunked it). Without Harris, Al would have been POTUS, and as FLOTUS, Tipper would have had her own spotlight to shine in. Not to mention Al would not have experienced the PTSD that he still must suffer from by being cheated out of the presidency. Although Harris’ hair is not really blonde—or red, for that matter—Maple Blondie toppled both a nation and a marriage.

4. Imagine Whirled Peace™ Caramel & Sweet Cream Ice Creams Swirled with Fudge Peace Signs & Toffee Cookie Pieces

Did Al become so idealistic in his pursuit of saving the planet that mundane domestic duties became too rooted in reality? Could he still enjoy a bowl of Ben & Jerry’s while the polar ice caps were melting? Winning the Nobel Peace Prize may have augmented his larger-than-life role and given him even more license to think big.* Perhaps more of his passion was going out to the universe than to his wife, and he should have tried saving his marriage along with the planet.

*See Chubby Hubby

5. Karamel Sutra® A Core of Soft Caramel Encircled by Chocolate & Caramel Ice Creams & Fudge Chips

While Al was away exploring civic discourse, perhaps Tipper would have preferred a little more intercourse. He spent the last 10 years reinventing himself, and she was probably ready for a little somethin’ somethin’ of her own. As an empty nester, this wife was rife for a new position (maybe another threesome besides Ben & Jerry). Did she have enough of his planetary do-gooding and was ready to be bad? Sounds like sunrise in Cougar town to me. Me-ow!

6. Chocolate Therapy™ Chocolate ice cream with chocolate cookies and swirls of chocolate pudding

With all of Al’s traveling, was Tipper spending more quality time with Ben and Jerry than her Chubby Hubby (although no longer chubby)? In my opinion, quality time is always better spent with Ben and Jerry than a spouse. But in the end, she might have simply not found it satisfying anymore and had finally had her fill. Of Al—not Ben and Jerry!

Banana Split Banana & Strawberry Ice Creams with Walnuts, Fudge Chunks & a Fudge Swirl

With great sadness, I wish the Gores well. And I hope they can both still be friends with Ben and Jerry. Like Al, I’m still waiting for that recount. But not a calorie count. That would be an inconvenient truth.

16 comments:

  1. Adair

    Your post is a masterpiece! You are seriously talented my friend! I haven't read anything that clever and full of irreverent wit since Art Buchwald's. Love it!
    (don't give a hoot about Al and what's her name splitting, by the way)

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  2. This is pure genius on so many levels. Just the fact that you saw all the connections and put them into words in such an intelligent manner (while still finding the talent to make it humorous) is just great. Send this to a newspaper and get it published.

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  3. This ...

    "Perhaps his notion of self-reliance went too far when he thought he could replace Tipper with a solar panel and low-energy bulbs. A dim-watted idea, if you ask me."

    ... is Hi-larious! You can't imagine how much I enjoy your posts, Adair! :)

    I second Sippity Sup's comment about sending it to a newspaper for publication ... you're too good to keep to ourselves!

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  4. Thank you, guys! I would like to send it to a place like HuffPost (but couldn't find their submission policy!). Let me know if you have any other suggestions.

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  5. Fantastic! Clever girl you, this needs to go viral. Also submit to Salon.com and NY Times.

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  6. That was briliant and hellaries Adair!

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  7. i second the divas idea about submiting it to Salon.com

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  8. This is briiillliant. Love it.

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  9. Oh, Huff-Post would be perfect, and Salon.com is a great suggestion too! Do let us know if it gets picked up!

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  10. and on top of everything else NOW I WANT SOME BEN N'JERRY'S- Yikes!

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  11. One of the funniest ever. Not half-baked, like Cookie Dough ice cream. Keep scooping them out

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  12. ROFLMAO! I love all the interconnectedness of the Ben and Jerry's flavors and Al and Tipper's marriage err...breakup. Fantastic writing.

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  13. Here here! I agree with all praise and worship of this brilliant post. BRA-VO!

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