Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Christian Cauliflower Tabbouleh and an eBook

After being bombarded with Donald J. Trump during every waking moment of every waking hour from every working media outlet, one day he turned up in one of my recipes. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t want him there. Yet when I was making a tabbouleh salad, there he was, telling me to deport the Middle Eastern wheat and replace it with sheet-white cauliflower. Muslim-free, white-supremacist salad? Rude, yes, but rather than risk being called a pig, dog, slob or loser, I succumbed to the bully's pulpit and put a little hate on my plate.

And so it began—my creation of healthy recipes based on Donald Trump quotes. There were so many tasteless remarks to choose from and so many ideas in my fertile little noggin, it was hard to narrow them down. But I had to stop myself before the election was over. 

Introducing my first eCookbook, which includes 16 plant-based, gluten-free recipes inspired by the words of Donald J. Trump. Please have a look at my website, download the book (pay what you want), and if you experience a few OMGs, WTFs and LOLz, tell your friends. Oh, and try this salad. Hate never tasted so great. Believe me.

Christian Cauliflower Tabbouleh Salad

This supremely white salad is the perfect dish for any Caucasian—especially the party of Donald J. Trump! The Middle Eastern wheat has been deported and replaced with sheet-white cauliflower for a grain-free alternative to Islamic extremist salads. The light, zesty flavors pop like a garden of gunfire, and the ingredients are raw except for some insurgent garbanzo beans who snuck into the salad bowl. With its herb-fresh fervor, this tabbouleh is a Christian cauliflower coalition in your mouth. Just make sure all the ingredients are local and not imported—especially those terrorist olives who are out to choke you with their pits.

When I make this, it’s the best—believe me. If it’s lacking anything, it’s probably your fault.

1/2 large head cauliflower, separated into small florets 
1 bunch flat-leaf parsley, chopped

1 cup mint, chopped

1 small cucumber, cut into 1/2-inch pieces 
4 - 5 green onions, chopped (white and green parts)

1 small garlic clove, minced

1/2 BPA-free can of garbanzo beans (or 3/4 cup fresh), drained 
1/4 cup sun-dried tomatoes, not in oil (or 3/4 cup fresh)

1/4 cup pitted, cured black olives, halved

5 tablespoons olive oil

3 tablespoons lemon juice

1/2 teaspoon salt, plus more to taste 

Put raw cauliflower florets in food processor and pulse until rice-like consistency. Place in bowl with other ingredients.

In a small bowl, mix olive oil and lemon juice. 

Add dressing to other ingredients; add salt to taste. Stir well and adjust seasonings. 

Cover and refrigerate for at least 2 hours before serving.

Makes about 6 servings. 

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