Thursday, June 16, 2011

My Last Meal on Earth: Rest In Pizza


After my first slice, I knew that if I were ever on death row, this would be my last meal. Some people see rainbows and unicorns ahead. I see a wild mushroom pizza and death by lethal injection. I decided this Mario Batali and Nancy Silverton masterpiece from Pizzeria Mozza would be my digestive swan song to the world. I would bid the earth adieu after the glorious notes of this pie played an aria upon my palate. Oh, divine crust, so thin and gorgeous with your heavenly, brittle bite. Oh, fontina and taleggio cheeses with your delicate tang, bubbling ethereally ever after. Oh, quartet of warm chanterelles, shitakes, oysters and creminis in contrapuntal harmony, how you have filled my esophagus with song. Never mind that Emperor Batali was full of himself that time I met him at Mozza. He can glare at me all he wants through that one-sided glass as I receive my comeuppance. I will be happily sated from his pizza without bearing witness to his bombast.


A death sentence will be worth not having to wait a month for a reservation. Sheesh. A person could die of hunger. And this time I won't have to bring along a Tuscan peasant to translate the menu for me. I already know what I’ll be having for my last meal on earth. The funghi misti, fontina, taleggio & thyme pizza. Say the name with me: fun-gee mis-tee. And since it’s my last meal, maybe I'll splurge and order something with meat, too. I've been such a conscious culinarian, maybe this once, karma could cut me some slack. What about veal? You know, those young calves that have to live in the dark that I haven't eaten in 25 years? I never said I didn't like it. Do they serve foie gras? The sick way they stick those feeding tubes down the ducks' throats to fatten them up? I hear it's to die for, and frankly, I've been holding back. But really, what's one less duck's happiness? Hey, it's my last freaking meal! Haven't I accrued enough points? I swear I'll only have a few bites, and I'll donate the rest to charity. I can't eat too much anyway—I'm watching my weight. I don’t want to look fat at my funeral. I hate that bloated feeling. Sure, I'll have a makeup artist, but I'm pretty sure they won't have a liposuctionist on staff.


On second thought, screw it. Give me one of everything on the to-go menu. Who cares if my shroud is a little snug. You only live once. In fact, maybe I should have Batali and Silverton create a special to-go tasting menu for me. That way I won’t miss out, and if I really like something, I can order it in my next life. And for my final request, bury me in the pizza box on top of that grease stain—my soulmate. Oh, and FYI: if I do end up on death row, it'll be because somebody took a bite of my funghi misti pizza. Hey, we all gotta go sometime.

Related Links:

Memo to Mario Batali

Ms. Frugal vs. Ms. Foodie

Travel Bite: A Slice of Brooklyn Pizza Tour

15 comments:

  1. you are a master--and i bow to you. i will have to give it a try...i've been on the search for a last meal after i was so ill prepared for world's end in May....darned if i didn't learn my lesson. October will be here sooner than we know it ;)
    -the rippler

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  2. i can't remember the last time i felt that way about pizza- tried pizza orteca in oc - sucked! i'm so excited to give it a try... but first i have to go and look up a few words...
    contrapuntal and comeuppance, i think you are too smart to be my friend :(

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  3. Christy: Sorry May left you so ill-prepared. It is best to have a last meal and testament.

    Louise: I'm not that smart, and I need all the friends I can get. Especially ones that cook like you. : )

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  4. Adair, any time you need me, I'll be your Tuscan peasant:)
    It's definitely important to be prepared for the last meal, and it's comforting to know that you won't be suffering through last minute's decisions:)
    You made me crave pizza, and that's not an easy feat, even if we are talking about Il Dottore Batali:)

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  5. Hmmm... Don't kid yourself. Your karma is kaput. They'll get you for intent. You can't sink any lower, so you may as well gnaw on a bone or two instead of just thinking about it. I suggest the rack of lamb at Papa Christos, Pico at Normandie. Or get a bank loan and get a porterhouse at Porterhouse, on Wilshire. Join us. The blood is the life!

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  6. Lana: you can be my peasant any time! (a most pleasant peasant)

    Anon: I have been to Papa Christos, and you have a point!

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  7. You the funghi and me the squash blossom pizza.

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  8. Andrea: I had the squash blossom once and thought it was kind of bland. Was disappointed. The clam one was great.

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  9. I am in total agreement with you, and with Anonymous. And confident you won't be crossing the river Breadstyx anytime soon.

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  10. It's 2am here in Norway. I can't sleep because I am laying here wondering what "contrapuntal" means. Thanks a lot... GREG

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  11. Becky: I'm smiling.

    Greg:
    contrapuntal |ˌkäntrəˈpəntl|
    adjective Music
    of or in counterpoint.
    • (of a piece of music) with two or more independent melodic lines.

    NOW GET SOME SLEEP!

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  12. Come on! There is got to be a way to make this at home, i will install a wood-burning oven in my back patio if I have to! This sounds just too good to let Batali and Silverton hold the keys to it!

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  13. Fungi Misti - Adair, you have captured the rapture of Mozza.

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  14. Now THAT's quite a religious experience. :D

    I'm so sad there's no picture of what the FUNGEE pizza looked like. Meet me there for another one???

    [K]

    P.S. Do you have a musical background? I spy lots of music lingo.

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  15. K: I'll meet you there anytime! / Musical theatre writing background. : )

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