"Food Intolerances" (#4 in the Dr. Sigmund Food series)
Dr. Food: Vhat brings you to my couch today?
Dr. Food: Zen go to za Museum of Tolerance and look at za holocaust victims. You should be so lucky your vurst problem is you can’t eat vheat!
Lentil Breakdown: I know that consciously, but
I still feel deprived. Food is my life. I have a food blog!
Dr. Food: Don’t vee all? Did I tell you about
mine? It’s called Oedipal Edibles. I subconsciously cook all my
mother’s recipes. Turns out I'm in love vith her tuna casserole!
Lentil Breakdown: Yeah, you told me in a previous session. But doc, I already avoid processed foods, GMOs, meat,
unsustainable seafood and I eat very little dairy. Without wheat, corn and
eggs, what’s left? Enough with the rice, millet and quinoa already! Plus, it’s
a real pain for me to eat out, as my former friends will attest. How will I
visit Latin America without eating corn? How can I rendezvous in Paris without
croissants, tarts, galettes, quiches and soufflés? I want to carry a baguette
under my arm and walk along the Seine.
Dr. Food: Vell, you can carry it. You just
can’t eat it!
Lentil Breakdown: How would you like to go to
Vienna and not eat the strudel and linzer torte?
Dr. Food: I believe in torte reform. In fact,
I hear Volfgang Puck makes a vunderful sachertorte vith sorghum flour!
Lentil Breakdown: I bet it tastes more like a
soccer ball.
Dr. Food: Zen zink of it as za belle of za
ball. Perception is everyzing.
Dr. Food: Vell vhat vill happen if you eat
zose zings?
Lentil Breakdown: I’ll
have fatigue, a headache, brain fog, skin problems, thyroid issues, higher
cholesterol, inflammation, and even depression.
Dr. Food: Vell, let’s do a leetle behavioral
cognitive zerapy. Try to associate how you vill feel from eating zose foods so
you von’t vant zem anymore. Visualize you just ate a pizza from Pizzeria
Mozza.
Lentil Breakdown: But that pizza is to die for!
It’s my death row meal! If it’s my last meal on earth, what do I care
how I feel?
Dr. Food: Zen zink of another dish! I’m
trying to verk my magic here!
Lentil Breakdown: Okay, here goes. I’m feeling
logy and drained, I can’t concentrate, I have a headache, and I’ve gotten
nothing done all day—and that makes me feel really bad about myself.
Dr. Food: Now visualize za foods zat make you
feel good.
Lentil Breakdown: Organic fruits,
veggies, legumes, grains and nuts. My skin is clear, I have lots of energy, and I can focus on writing wise-ass doctor dialogue in my blog.
Dr. Food: Aw, I'm blushing. Now turn zat into a mantra.
Lentil Breakdown: Pizza—bad. Energy and
focus—good.
Dr. Food: Zat vun’s not too catchy. Keep
verking on it.
Lentil Breakdown: My health is my wealth.
Dr. Food: Zat vun’s a leetle corny. Vhat else
you got?
Lentil Breakdown: I don’t need Mozza's perfect
pizza crust to complete me!
Dr. Food: Don’t you write zees zings for a
leeving? Rewrite!
Lentil Breakdown: I am complete with plenty to
eat!
Dr. Food: Zat vun is client-approved! Now say it vunce more vith feeling!
Lentil Breakdown: I AM COMPLETE WITH PLENTY TO
EAT!
Dr. Food: Vell, you don’t have to yell! Zees
eardrums are za only vuns I got! Zen I’ll see you next veek. Hello?
Lentil Breakdown: Oh, sorry, doc. I was
daydreaming about Mozza’s funghi misti pizza and how that gorgeous crust is the
perfect alchemy of flour and yeast, creating a brilliant canvas for the fontina
and taleggio cheeses and quartet of warm chanterelles, shiitakes, oysters and
creminis.
Dr. Food: I see vee have plenty more verk to
do. Cha ching! And vipe the drool off your chin on za vay out.
Related Links:
i LOVED this. This was so great. I love your therapy sessions w Dr Food.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sitting through the whole session, Amee! ;)
DeleteDang Adair. I'd say poor you, but that won't help, so how about - this is a great opportunity to get even more creative in the kitchen! Bon chance!
ReplyDeleteNow you have me dreaming of Mozza's pizza! Enjoyed your session!
ReplyDeleteWow. I think you're funny. I think you're a great writer. But man, are you messed up when it come to food. I mean that in the most loving way. So I hope you keep your sessions going with Dr. Food. Although he seems strangely connected to your ID. GREG
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, Adair, you're so funny... and informative too! I've been eating nothing but crackers and cheese these days and feel horrible... but they feel so good in my 'mouth' and the whole ritual of tearing open the cracker packaging, slicing the cheese (all while watching TV) and then enjoying that crunchy, chewy deliciousness...
ReplyDelete