"Food Intolerances" (#4 in the Dr. Sigmund Food series)
Dr. Food: Vhat brings you to my couch today?
Dr. Food: Zen go to za Museum of Tolerance and look at za holocaust victims. You should be so lucky your vurst problem is you can’t eat vheat!
Lentil Breakdown: I know that consciously, but I still feel deprived. Food is my life. I have a food blog!
Dr. Food: Don’t vee all? Did I tell you about mine? It’s called Oedipal Edibles. I subconsciously cook all my mother’s recipes. Turns out I'm in love vith her tuna casserole!
Lentil Breakdown: Yeah, you told me in a previous session. But doc, I already avoid processed foods, GMOs, meat, unsustainable seafood and I eat very little dairy. Without wheat, corn and eggs, what’s left? Enough with the rice, millet and quinoa already! Plus, it’s a real pain for me to eat out, as my former friends will attest. How will I visit Latin America without eating corn? How can I rendezvous in Paris without croissants, tarts, galettes, quiches and soufflés? I want to carry a baguette under my arm and walk along the Seine.
Dr. Food: Vell, you can carry it. You just can’t eat it!
Lentil Breakdown: How would you like to go to Vienna and not eat the strudel and linzer torte?
Dr. Food: I believe in torte reform. In fact, I hear Volfgang Puck makes a vunderful sachertorte vith sorghum flour!
Lentil Breakdown: I bet it tastes more like a soccer ball.
Dr. Food: Zen zink of it as za belle of za ball. Perception is everyzing.
Dr. Food: Vell vhat vill happen if you eat zose zings?
Lentil Breakdown: I’ll have fatigue, a headache, brain fog, skin problems, thyroid issues, higher cholesterol, inflammation, and even depression.
Dr. Food: Vell, let’s do a leetle behavioral cognitive zerapy. Try to associate how you vill feel from eating zose foods so you von’t vant zem anymore. Visualize you just ate a pizza from Pizzeria Mozza.
Lentil Breakdown: But that pizza is to die for! It’s my death row meal! If it’s my last meal on earth, what do I care how I feel?
Dr. Food: Zen zink of another dish! I’m trying to verk my magic here!
Lentil Breakdown: Okay, here goes. I’m feeling logy and drained, I can’t concentrate, I have a headache, and I’ve gotten nothing done all day—and that makes me feel really bad about myself.
Dr. Food: Now visualize za foods zat make you feel good.
Lentil Breakdown: Organic fruits, veggies, legumes, grains and nuts. My skin is clear, I have lots of energy, and I can focus on writing wise-ass doctor dialogue in my blog.
Dr. Food: Aw, I'm blushing. Now turn zat into a mantra.
Lentil Breakdown: Pizza—bad. Energy and focus—good.
Dr. Food: Zat vun’s not too catchy. Keep verking on it.
Lentil Breakdown: My health is my wealth.
Dr. Food: Zat vun’s a leetle corny. Vhat else you got?
Lentil Breakdown: I don’t need Mozza's perfect pizza crust to complete me!
Dr. Food: Don’t you write zees zings for a leeving? Rewrite!
Lentil Breakdown: I am complete with plenty to eat!
Dr. Food: Zat vun is client-approved! Now say it vunce more vith feeling!
Lentil Breakdown: I AM COMPLETE WITH PLENTY TO EAT!
Dr. Food: Vell, you don’t have to yell! Zees eardrums are za only vuns I got! Zen I’ll see you next veek. Hello?
Lentil Breakdown: Oh, sorry, doc. I was daydreaming about Mozza’s funghi misti pizza and how that gorgeous crust is the perfect alchemy of flour and yeast, creating a brilliant canvas for the fontina and taleggio cheeses and quartet of warm chanterelles, shiitakes, oysters and creminis.
Dr. Food: I see vee have plenty more verk to do. Cha ching! And vipe the drool off your chin on za vay out.