Friday, January 10, 2014

My Therapy Session with Dr. Sigmund Food

"Food Intolerances" (#4 in the Dr. Sigmund Food series)

Dr. Food: Vhat brings you to my couch today?

Lentil Breakdown: Food intolerances. My allergy test shows I shouldn’t eat wheat, corn and eggs. Doc, I’m depressed about being intolerant.

Dr. Food: Zen go to za Museum of Tolerance and look at za holocaust victims. You should be so lucky your vurst problem is you can’t eat vheat!

Lentil Breakdown: I know that consciously, but I still feel deprived. Food is my life. I have a food blog!

Dr. Food: Don’t vee all? Did I tell you about mine? It’s called Oedipal Edibles. I subconsciously cook all my mother’s recipes. Turns out I'm in love vith her tuna casserole!

Lentil Breakdown: Yeah, you told me in a previous session. But doc, I already avoid processed foods, GMOs, meat, unsustainable seafood and I eat very little dairy. Without wheat, corn and eggs, what’s left? Enough with the rice, millet and quinoa already! Plus, it’s a real pain for me to eat out, as my former friends will attest. How will I visit Latin America without eating corn? How can I rendezvous in Paris without croissants, tarts, galettes, quiches and souffl├ęs? I want to carry a baguette under my arm and walk along the Seine.

Dr. Food: Vell, you can carry it. You just can’t eat it!

Lentil Breakdown: How would you like to go to Vienna and not eat the strudel and linzer torte?

Dr. Food: I believe in torte reform. In fact, I hear Volfgang Puck makes a vunderful sachertorte vith sorghum flour!

Lentil Breakdown: I bet it tastes more like a soccer ball.

Dr. Food: Zen zink of it as za belle of za ball. Perception is everyzing.

Lentil Breakdown: I perceive I’m craving cakes, scones, frittatas, polenta and tacos!

Dr. Food: Vell vhat vill happen if you eat zose zings?

Lentil Breakdown: I’ll have fatigue, a headache, brain fog, skin problems, thyroid issues, higher cholesterol, inflammation, and even depression.

Dr. Food: Vell, let’s do a leetle behavioral cognitive zerapy. Try to associate how you vill feel from eating zose foods so you von’t vant zem anymore. Visualize you just ate a pizza from Pizzeria Mozza.

Lentil Breakdown: But that pizza is to die for! It’s my death row meal! If it’s my last meal on earth, what do I care how I feel?

Dr. Food: Zen zink of another dish! I’m trying to verk my magic here!

Lentil Breakdown: Okay, here goes. I’m feeling logy and drained, I can’t concentrate, I have a headache, and I’ve gotten nothing done all day—and that makes me feel really bad about myself.

Dr. Food: Now visualize za foods zat make you feel good.

Lentil Breakdown: Organic fruits, veggies, legumes, grains and nuts. My skin is clear, I have lots of energy, and I can focus on writing wise-ass doctor dialogue in my blog. 

Dr. Food: Aw, I'm blushing. Now turn zat into a mantra.

Lentil Breakdown: Pizza—bad. Energy and focus—good.

Dr. Food: Zat vun’s not too catchy. Keep verking on it.

Lentil Breakdown: My health is my wealth.

Dr. Food: Zat vun’s a leetle corny. Vhat else you got?

Lentil Breakdown: I don’t need Mozza's perfect pizza crust to complete me!

Dr. Food: Don’t you write zees zings for a leeving? Rewrite!

Lentil Breakdown: I am complete with plenty to eat!

Dr. Food: Zat vun is client-approved! Now say it vunce more vith feeling!


Dr. Food: Vell, you don’t have to yell! Zees eardrums are za only vuns I got! Zen I’ll see you next veek. Hello?

Lentil Breakdown: Oh, sorry, doc. I was daydreaming about Mozza’s funghi misti pizza and how that gorgeous crust is the perfect alchemy of flour and yeast, creating a brilliant canvas for the fontina and taleggio cheeses and quartet of warm chanterelles, shiitakes, oysters and creminis.

Dr. Food: I see vee have plenty more verk to do. Cha ching! And vipe the drool off your chin on za vay out.

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  1. i LOVED this. This was so great. I love your therapy sessions w Dr Food.

    1. Thanks for sitting through the whole session, Amee! ;)

  2. Dang Adair. I'd say poor you, but that won't help, so how about - this is a great opportunity to get even more creative in the kitchen! Bon chance!

  3. Now you have me dreaming of Mozza's pizza! Enjoyed your session!

  4. Wow. I think you're funny. I think you're a great writer. But man, are you messed up when it come to food. I mean that in the most loving way. So I hope you keep your sessions going with Dr. Food. Although he seems strangely connected to your ID. GREG

  5. Oh my gosh, Adair, you're so funny... and informative too! I've been eating nothing but crackers and cheese these days and feel horrible... but they feel so good in my 'mouth' and the whole ritual of tearing open the cracker packaging, slicing the cheese (all while watching TV) and then enjoying that crunchy, chewy deliciousness...