Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Wanted: Fruit Plaintiffs for Class-Action Lawsuit


I spent the last week and a half waiting for my papaya to ripen. Oh, sure, I filled in the gaps with a few other activities here and there, but mostly I waited. It takes time for a papaya to get moldy and dimpley and soft enough—right on the cusp of rotting, yet at its sweetest, most succulent peak. Those tricky effers are hard to gauge, making them high-risk investments. I spent almost $4 on mine. But what happens when you cut into a pricey piece of fruit that doesn’t pay off? Who should be held accountable—the store, the grower or the buyer? 

In my papaya-ripening experience, I have observed moldy + mushy = bright orange, luscious papaya on the inside. And while this papaya was moldy, it wasn't mushy yet. But I refused to put my knife on hold any longer with all that mold accruing, so I cut into it, only to find it lacking in the bright-orange, peak-lusciousness department. It was pale and still kind of firm in places. I tried timing it right, but maybe this was all my poor papaya was ever meant to be. Maybe it was merely the little papaya that couldn’t. 

Should I have felt compassion for this underachieving piece of fruit? Perhaps, but after plunking down $4, plus a week and a half of waiting, I was pissed. All that painstaking patience, and for what—a pallid, underperforming papaya. So I decided to sue Monsanto for damages. I don't care that it was a Mexican papaya—and Hawaiian papayas are the ones that are genetically modified. I've wanted to sue Monsanto for awhile, and now is as good a time as any. Think of it as bombing Iraq for 9/11. Saddam Monsanto had it coming. And I have the WMD.

If you, too, were traumatized by a Weapon of Mass Disappointment in the past 180 days, you can get in on the action.

PLAINTIFFS WANTED FOR CLASS-ACTION LAWSUIT 
Are you a fruit buyer who waited patiently, only to be the victim of a fruit-ripening malfunction? Did it refuse to ripen? Was it rotten? Or do you just want to sue a nefarious corporation? Let’s hold Monsanto accountable!  
If you bought a piece of fruit from a retailer in the last 180 days that underperformed, and you still have your toxic BPA-coated cash register receipt, you are eligible to sue Monsanto for a refund, plus pain and suffering for wasted time and heartbreak accrued during the ripening process. 
Don't let the terrorists win! 
Please send receipts to the law firm of Lentil Breakdown.  

Well, I better get going. There’s a green mango on my counter, and I've got lots of waiting to do.

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9 comments:

  1. Ha! Yes, I'm with you Adair. Put my name on this petition!!

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  2. OMG, you are KILLING me!! Although I can't say I've suffered at the hands of a papaya, I can relate with numerous avocados and other fruits that are soft, yet hard, ripe, yet tasteless...it's the fruition of fruit frustration! Sign me up, too!

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  3. I completely understand and second the motion!

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  4. Oh yes, sign me up. How many avocados (not Californian) have gone straight into the trash. Same with mealy apples. Bah!

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  5. Sign me up. Avocado and plum main culprits!

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  6. Change the word to avocado and I have played out this scenario far too many times. Peaches. Don't forget those buggers. GREG

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  7. I can relate! that's why I dont get papayas anymore!

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  8. I found your post here literally googling 'when your papaya is moldy but not ripe'! It was molding and had major indentations, soft to touch, dark in color on most of it but alas, we just cut it open and it's a light orange/peach colored flesh. I cut down to the most "sweet-ish" pieces but :( bummer man. We have another who is about a day behind this one and I am going to let it ride, hoping that this one will make up for it's friend. :) Thanks for this post, it's good to know we are not alone! :D

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    1. Anonymous: I hope your friend turns out to be sweet and juicy! :)

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