Friday, February 26, 2010

What's Your Diet I.D.?


My diet is having an identity crisis. It needs a label to describe it. You know, so at dinner parties I don’t have to say, “I’m primarily a vegetarian, but once in a while I'll eat a sentient being—mostly chicken or fish, but sunlight-restricted calves are definitely out, as are bunnies and lambs because they’re so darn cute, but when I'm at a luau and there's a pig roasting on a spit, well, I never say never, so I guess that makes me a flexitarian which is really just a vegetarian who cheats, and since I try to eat local ingredients I might be a locavore, which in the end would mean I'm a vegetarian who cheats close by." Phew! Is it tomorrow yet?

In fact, I’ve been thinking that everyone should carry with them diet identification—a bar code tattooed on your stomach that can be scanned at restaurants, dinner parties, hospitals, etc. that says whether you’re an omnivore, carnivore, locavore, flexitarian, pescatarian, pollotarian, raw foodist, vegetarian, ovo-vegetarian, lacto-vegetarian, lacto-ovo-vegetarian, lactating-ovulating vegetarian, lactose-intolerant vegetarian, vegan, bi-curious vegan (fantasizes about eggs and milk), gluten-free, glutton-free, or decline to state. I could go on, but I wore myself out.

On the other hand, it’s taken me all these years to remember my social security number. Now I’m supposed to memorize a behemoth, multi-syllabic moniker with more shades of ambiguity than Ryan Seacrest’s hair? Until I’ve decided on one, I’m going with gluttonous maximous.

What’s your diet I.D.?

7 comments:

  1. I would need an exemption for pepperoni.

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  2. haha ryan seacrest's hair. that sure kills the appetite.

    a bientot!

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  3. Just came across your site. Getting ready to peruse - came through via the Mexican chicken pics post. Very cool!

    I agree the food self-id thing is getting wack. But, I must admit, I'm digging the flexitarian label lately. FYI, one of my girlfriends calls herself a "superfoodist" - so maybe that should be added to the list?

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  4. Hi Andrea. I've heard of super foods, but never superfoodist. I like it! Although I don't know how a person could only eat super foods. Are there enough of them?

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  5. i hate when people get on my case and demand to know what my diet id is. BACK OFF peeps! if i musttt define it, i'd say that i'm a vegetarian who occasionally eats dairy and eggs, but only if they're organic and from as humane sources as possible. that's kind of a mouthful though right? so i just say "vegan" especially if there is a gross looking dish that has dairy/eggs in it :)

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  6. I hear you, and in my post, I didn't even get into my stance on trying to eat sustainable seafood (which turns you into a pain in the ass for having to ask the waiter where the fish is from every time you want to order seafood!).

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  7. This just came up! My travel agent asked me if he needed to order a special meal for my upcoming flight to Europe. You know, vegetarian, kosher, low-sodium, there's a lot to chose from. How about one that tastes good? No such luck, of course. It's surprising airlines still offer such a variety of food, given the economic difficulties they're having. They certainly won't get fewer Kevin Smith-sized passengers!

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