On Health, Mötley Crüe and My Chemical Stew

Credit: iStockphoto / dmitryphotos

This article originally appeared on the food site Zester Daily.

I hope you don’t think it’s rude, but I’m restoring my gut flora as I type. Ever since I discovered that 90% of my health lives in my gut, I decided to take action. At this very moment, I’ve got 10 probiotic strains and 100 billion live cultures on my stomach’s stage. I’m trying to revive my good bacteria because the warm-up act was some heavy-metal thrashers.

I got tested for heavy metals, at my doctor’s behest, to see what was causing my liver congestion and inflammation. Turns out I have too much Alice Cooper. Sure, I have Freddy Mercury, Lead Zeppelin, and other Metallicas too, but my high volume of Alice, or aluminum, concerns me the most since my dad had Alzheimer’s. I’d like to detox, but not with one of those generic, kale-me-now juice cleanses. I want a chelation plan that’s tailored to my individual chemical body burden, or as I call it, Toxic Life Overload (TLO).

We all have TLO. I’m not special. The only difference is that I peed in some plastic jugs for two days and now I’m acquainted with the whole Mötley Crüe. The fact is, we live in a chemical stew of toxic food, water, air and products that we clean with, sleep with and slather on our skin.

Industrial chemical pollution begins in the womb. Lead, mercury, pesticides, BPA and up to 232 industrial chemicals have been found in umbilical cord blood of newborns. The Environmental Working Group tested over 200 people for 540 industrial chemicals and found 482 of them in their bodies. In 2010, the President’s Cancer Panel declared that the number of cancers caused by toxic chemicals is “grossly underestimated” and warned that Americans face “grievous harm” from largely unregulated chemicals that contaminate air, water and food. 

Is it a coincidence that over the last 30 years, the autoimmune epidemic has nearly tripled to over 100 diseases? Approximately 50 million Americans, or one in five people, suffer from autoimmune disease — 75% of them women — from MS, lupus, Crohn’s and Celiac to chronic fatigue, thyroiditus, rheumatoid arthritis and psoriasis. 

But I’m starting to think that knowing my TLO is TMI. I thought knowledge would lead to prevention, but I’m too busy worrying about Quiet Riot sneaking up on me to prevent anything but a good night’s sleep. From every BPA plastic container to each GMO corn kernel, I hear those Black Flag, Anthrax and Megadeth songs screaming in my head. 

Most diseases arise from the interaction between a person’s genetic make-up and the environmental agents that he or she is exposed to. Yet I’ve been reading up on the new science of Epigenetics, which is the theory that your thoughts and beliefs can alter your gene expression. I’m talking major shifts in cellular activity leading to physiological changes. Optimism, altruism, visualization, healing energy, meditation and prayer are all said to have epigenetic effects. 

Dr. Bruce Lipton, author of The Biology of Belief asserts that genes and DNA don’t control our biology—that DNA is controlled by signals from outside the cell, including the energetic messages emanating from our thoughts. Deepak Chopra claims there’s more and more evidence of the mind-body connection, and that we can transform our own biology by responding to all that we experience, including thoughts, feelings, words, and actions. He says that regardless of the genes we inherit, change at this level allows us almost unlimited influence on our fate.

Does that mean if I change the way I think, my dad’s Alzheimer’s won’t necessarily be mine? But what about Alice Cooper? Even though he’s not in my genetic makeup, he’s still in my blood. Thank god he’s not in my makeup. Who needs all that black and white shmutz on their face? Hey, was that gratitude? Maybe it really works!

Okay … here I go. I’m changing my tune. From now on, this Twisted Sister is gonna be more Pharrell Williams. Sure, his songs are lightweight, but at least they’re not heavy metal. If I could just turn down the volume, it might be music to my gut.

Because I’m happy … clap along … sing this song and turn off that Mötley Crüe …Happy … clap along, sing this song and stop stressin’ ‘bout the stew…

Borscht Belt Salad (with Beet, Cucumber and Dill)

Why's it called the "Borscht Belt Salad?" Funny you should ask.

Remember Henny Youngman—that old Borscht Belt comedian with the violin and famous one-liners like, “Take my wife...please!”? The legendary Jewish comic got his start on the New York Catskills comedy circuit, aka the Borscht Belt, that was popular from the 1940s through the 1960s. Well, when Henny's wife, Sadie, said to him, “For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before,” he said, “Try the kitchen!” 

So in honor of Mrs. Youngman's culinary lethargy, I created this simple salad inspired by the refreshing essence of borscht. Vibrant beets, cool cucumber and herbaceous dill conspire as loudly as Henny's out of tune violin to announce big, babushka-like flavors. It's so easy to throw together, even Sadie wouldn't have minded making it. It shouldn't taste funny, though. I left the funny to Henny.

Beet, Cucumber and Dill Borscht Belt Salad

Equal parts beets, cubed, quartered or sliced 

Equal parts unpeeled organic cucumber, cubed, quartered or sliced 

Handful of fresh dill, chopped

Vinaigrette

¼ cup olive oil

1 ½ tsp white wine vinegar

½ heaping tsp Dijon mustard

½ medium shallot, minced

Sea salt to taste

Steam or roast beets till fork tender. Peel and let cool. Cut beets and cuke in same size shapes—either cubes, wedges or slices. Add vinaigrette and dill. Let chill for half an hour and serve. 

The Borscht Belt Salad first appeared (sans recipe) in the post, A Job Farewell: Nine Years and Nine Salads. 

Lazy Figger's Fig and Banana Sorbet

I'll come right out and say it: I'm figgin' lazy. Yep, I'm a lazy figger. So I took the easy route with this fig and banana blender sorbet. I also took liberties by calling this vegan, sugar-free, frozen fruit mixture sorbet since most sorbets are full of sugar. Some store-bought ones even have corn syrup. But my sweet thang doesn't answer to a sugar daddy. She's assertive, self-reliant and whole. And since I'm a healthy figger too, I didn't boil away her nutrients. I simply put raw fruit in a blender and called it a day. Then a sorbet.  


A tasty but figly (figgin' ugly) concoction 

But before I called it a sorbet, I called it a spoonie. You know, a thick smoothie you eat with a spoon. If you prefer it unfrozen this way, be my guest, but please don't call it sorbet. That would be a violation of Lentil Breakdown fruit nomenclature.

Being a cheap figger, I'd normally think twice about sacrificing a cup of precious, pricey figs to a lazy figger sorbet when I could just as lazily enjoy them au naturel, which entails no risk. But after I scored a flat of fresh figs from the California Fig Commission last year and made my chocolate-dipped figs with hazelnuts, I became emboldened to take more chances. And after attending this year's Figology Fest—a creative fig shindig hosted by Erika Kerekes and Judy Lyness, I received the fig bounty that made me the lazy figger that I am. There's no shame in being a lazy figger. Especially when your sweet thang's in the raw without her sugar daddy.

Fig and Banana Sorbet

¾ cup frozen banana chunks

1 cup fresh Mission or other brown figs cut up (not frozen)

2 TBSP canned light coconut milk

A few ground cardamom seeds from one pod

A handful of pistachios

Put frozen banana chunks, fig chunks, coconut milk and cardamom in the blender. Blend until smooth, but leave visible fig chunks. Top with pistachios.

Eat now as a spoonie or freeze in a pint container for sorbet.

Makes about 2 servings. 

Related Links:

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Fig Crostata

Banana Yogurt Spoonie

My New Superfood is Gonna Save the World

This article originally appeared on Zester Daily and MSN Food & Drink.

I’m browsing the superfood aisle at Whole Paycheck, wondering if the companies that sell these products just discovered they’re super or they’re food. They discovered they’re superprofitable—that’s for sure. High in antioxidants or other powerful nutrients, their chia and hemp seeds, cacao nibs, maca powder and goji berries are going for $18 to $25 a pound. And South American acai, camu and maqui superfruit powders sell for a whopping $80 to $138 a pound! Apparently there’s nothing dense about the marketers of nutrient-dense foods. But since there’s no USDA certification for superfoods, who’s to say my maca’s not mediocre? I don’t see any scientists using the term “superfoods,” and critics say there are plenty of whole foods that are really and truly nutritious. 

Still, there must be some authority deeming these foods so super. I’m picturing this superfood czar in a corner office of the jungle surrounded by mountains of seeds, berries, roots, nuts and nibs with a big, red rubber stamp that says, “SUPER!” 

Hey, I’m as good a judge of super as the next foodist. Maybe I could cash in on this new cash crop! I’m thinking the best way to do it is to discover my own superfood. First I’ll pick a country—one that’s outside the superfood spotlight yet has vast jungle offerings. There are already Brazilian and Amazon superfoods; Incan, Andean and Aztec superfoods; Turkish, Persian, Kashmir and Chinese superfoods; Mediterranean and African ones, too. 

Hmmm…Bhutan might work. It’s got amazing biodiversity with the Himalayan mountains, rainforests and jungles and is still largely untouched by the West. They must have something I could forage to make my fortune. I can already see a jungle-to-table logo on the packaging. And since the Bhutanese are Buddhists who coined the term, “Gross National Happiness,” they should be pretty chill over my intention. But berries and seeds are so last year. Wouldn’t it be neat if I could find a berry and seed superfood in one? A berryseed would be the super-est food ever! 

Yep, I’ll swoop into Bhutan, find all the berryseeds, form a corporation, get the local women to harvest them, create a women’s cooperative, and then donate 10% back to them and claim my company is all for their benefit. Oooh…I like it. I just need to get Fair Trade, USDA Organic and Rainforest Alliance certifications, and I’ll be on my way. It shouldn't be too hard. I'm sure there are lobbyists swarming that corner jungle office. I can hardly wait to hobnob with the palm oil-maker mucky-mucks at trade shows in Indonesia. I'll be the Koch sister of sustainability. I’d hate to give up this lucrative career as a food blogger and all, but the world is awaiting my product for health, healing and happiness—all while benefitting an underserved community—me!

                               

I’m thinking I’ll sell more product if I can pinpoint exactly what it’s so super for. Maybe I’ll search for a berryseed that curtails lethargy in women. What a lofty, pro-planet goal! When my superfood cures this debilitating symptom, women will have enough energy to make the same wages as men. Yessss! After the Bhutanese women spend a few back-breaking seasons picking and harvesting my berryseeds, lethargy in women and income inequality will be totally eradicated! First I’ll empower the Bhutanese women—then I’ll empower every woman on the planet! Watch out, world! Women are coming to save humanity from Greedy Guy Syndrome!

Well, I better get packing. Let’s see…gardening gloves, mini shovel, BPA-free container for my berryseeds and, oh yeah, my Dzongkha Bhutanese dictionary. I wouldn’t want to say anything culturally insensitive when I demand access to my berryseeds. I want the Bhutanese people to know I understand and respect them—that we’re all equals on this sacred planet. Well, except for women. But with my berryseed twofer, we’ll be one soon enough.

Saving womankind feels great! I don’t know why I waited so long! Really, you should try it! But pick another country for your superfood. Bhutan’s mine.

The Simple Truth: Marketing Gone Coconuts

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine who was going out of town gave me an open carton of Kroger’s Simple Truth coconut milk that he didn't want to go to waste. I glanced at the ingredients and blurted out, “You want me to drink this? Do I look like Vladimir Putin’s food taster?" Then I stood there reading the ingredients aloud with such oratory gusto, I could have been vying for the Toastmasters crown. 

"Coconut milk (filtered water, coconut cream, xanthan gum, carrageenan, guar gum), evaporated cane syrup, calcium carbonate, carrageenan, natural flavor, gellan gum, vitamin A palmitate, ergocalciferol (vitamin D2), cyanocobalamin (vitamin B12). 

Contains: Coconut!" I said with an ironic, final flourish.

He stood in stoic silence. "What did I ever do to you?" I said. "Was it the time I dragged you to that raw, vegan place? I thought you really dug the raw-sagna! Were you just faking it like that cashew cheese?" Suddenly he had to leave. Something about an ingrown hair he needed to take care of before his flight the next day. 

So I stood in stoic silence, holding a carton of coconut-like liquid that had violated my sensibilities. The simple truth is most of those faux milks are full of faux food substances in which I can easily detect the foe. Take natural flavor—that lab-concocted additive that adds flavor to prolong a product's shelf life. It tastes too real to be true. Yep, it’s got too much real in it. Frankly, If I wanted more real, I’d just have seconds on the real real. Oddly enough, this Simple Truth line of foods from Kroger and Ralphs goes so far out on a truth limb to brand itself as the healthy messiah, its message, Free From 101, is to tout all that it's not. Here's a screen shot from the website:

By emulating this brilliant marketing strategy, I figure that I can cash in with my own line of products. I haven't figured out what I'll sell yet, but I'm sure I'll think of something. In the meantime, my marketing copy is ready. Investors: get out your checkbooks. Cha-ching!

*Coconutmilk ingredients listed are for the sweetened one. The one in my photo is no longer on the website.

Related Links:

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American Empire Abroad, Part 2: Portugal

Read Part 1 

American emperor Ray Kroc brought his golden arches to Lisbon, displacing the natives from their terraced territory. 

The golden-arched empire brought golden glitz to the city of Porto in a strategy to convert the regal Port wine region into high-fructose cola territory.

The Kroc empire nabbed Italy's national beverage, brought it to Portugal, and anointed it the "Big Mac-chiato".*   

The empire then pillaged France's pastry with the "Big Mac-aron".*  

An American “Caesar” invaded Portugal, only to be ensconced in a power grab with his Mediterranean rival.

An American aggressor landed in Portugal, unleashing targeted submarines all over the country.

In what is commonly referred to as the "Dummy Diaspora," American Dummies were expelled to Portugal, although the majority still remain in their homeland.

*Big Mac-chiato and Big Mac-aron are the intellectual properties of Lentil Breakdown.

Related Links:

American Empire Abroad

10 Things I Ate in Portugal

Fugly Lentil Hummus

Lentil Hummus may not be as popular as her cousin, Garbanzo, or as pretty as Beet and Edamame, but she's got a great, protein-packed personality. Truth be told, her cousin, Black-Eyed Pea isn’t much of a looker either. But have some compassion. Fugly needs love, too.* 

So to all the wallflowers sitting in the fridge on a Saturday night:

You are so beautiful to me

You are so beautiful to me

Can’t you see?

You’re every bean I hoped for

You’re every pea I need

You are so luminous

Luscious and leguminous to me

* Lentil hummus may be portrayed as "fugly" to compensate for blogger's food-styling skills.

Lentil Hummus Recipe

1 cup dried brown lentils

Salted water

Bay leaf (optional)

3 cloves garlic

3 TBSP tahini

3 TBSP lemon juice

½ tsp cumin

½ tsp salt

Boil the lentils in a pot of salted water (and add bay leaf if using) for about 20-30 minutes until chewy, but not mushy (start checking them before they turn to mush). Drain lentils and let cool.

Place cooked lentils, garlic, tahini, lemon juice and spices in a food processor and purée (if you want it smoother, purée more). If too thick, add a little water for the consistency you like. Adjust spices. Hummus will keep for about a week in the fridge.

Meet the family:

Beet Hummus

Edamame Hummus

Black-eyed Pea Hummus

Cheater's Lavash Crackers

Wanted: Fruit Plaintiffs for Class-Action Lawsuit

I spent the last week and a half waiting for my papaya to ripen. Oh, sure, I filled in the gaps with a few other activities here and there, but mostly I waited. It takes time for a papaya to get moldy and dimpley and soft enough—right on the cusp of rotting, yet at its sweetest, most succulent peak. Those tricky effers are hard to gauge, making them high-risk investments. I spent almost $4 on mine. But what happens when you cut into a pricey piece of fruit that doesn’t pay off? Who should be held accountable—the store, the grower or the buyer? 

In my papaya-ripening experience, I have observed moldy + mushy = bright orange, luscious papaya on the inside. And while this papaya was moldy, it wasn't mushy yet. But I refused to put my knife on hold any longer with all that mold accruing, so I cut into it, only to find it lacking in the bright-orange, peak-lusciousness department. It was pale and still kind of firm in places. I tried timing it right, but maybe this was all my poor papaya was ever meant to be. Maybe it was merely the little papaya that couldn’t. 

Should I have felt compassion for this underachieving piece of fruit? Perhaps, but after plunking down $4, plus a week and a half of waiting, I was pissed. All that painstaking patience, and for what—a pallid, underperforming papaya. So I decided to sue Monsanto for damages. I don't care that it was a Mexican papaya—and Hawaiian papayas are the ones that are genetically modified. I've wanted to sue Monsanto for awhile, and now is as good a time as any. Think of it as bombing Iraq for 9/11. Saddam Monsanto had it coming. And I have the WMD.

If you, too, were traumatized by a Weapon of Mass Disappointment in the past 180 days, you can get in on the action.

PLAINTIFFS WANTED FOR CLASS-ACTION LAWSUIT 

Are you a fruit buyer who waited patiently, only to be the victim of a fruit-ripening malfunction? Did it refuse to ripen? Was it rotten? Or do you just want to sue a nefarious corporation? Let’s hold Monsanto accountable!  

If you bought a piece of fruit from a retailer in the last 180 days that underperformed, and you still have your toxic BPA-coated cash register receipt, you are eligible to sue Monsanto for a refund, plus pain and suffering for wasted time and heartbreak accrued during the ripening process. 

Don't let the terrorists win! 

Please send receipts to the law firm of Lentil Breakdown.  

Well, I better get going. There’s a green mango on my counter, and I've got lots of waiting to do.

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